Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
