Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
did i just pee glitter
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