my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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