When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you inspire me to be a worse person
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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