I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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