I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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