Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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