Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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