Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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