he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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