She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
