I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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