I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
