so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
