I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just tell him i said nine months
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
