That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
