His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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