i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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