i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
