so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
