i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
