Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Apparently you make a good broom.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
