Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So. Much. Porn.
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