I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
