im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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