Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
