i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
