I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
