I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
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Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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