Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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