I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
