Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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