i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
