my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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