I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I need a burrito and a hug.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
