I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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