You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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