You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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