I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
