After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
