in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
