Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
