Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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