I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
its liver damage thursday
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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