I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
