Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
