proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
accomplished twins. life is a go
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
