I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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