remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
