I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
