i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
