Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
