i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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