You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
