How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
