Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
