I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
