so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
